Just wanted to stop in with a quick hello.Hopefully things will settle down soon and I'll have more time to visit and share..Dad was released friday from the hospitol he did not seem ready to me.I know alot of you said I shouldn't worry about the confusion and such but he is still acting very strangely. it's been 14 days since they removed the tumor and he has been off the morphine since thursday.I'm starting to wonder if he has dementia starting.He is also being very demanding and being slightly childish which I am not used too.By all means I'm willing to do what is needed to help him but I'm getting worn out,and the mental toll is not good either I don't know if he is playing this up or if it's something that needs addressed.When I talked to the hospitol staff about his going in circles and confusion they acted like they didn't see it.He also expects me to do everything for him which granted I don't mind but he's been offered help from others as well.Like the visiting Angels want to clean his house he has two friends living in his house.He won't let them come why should I clean up after 3 men when they are perfectly capible and the angels will do it for free to help dad.Plus I'm unable to do my work so my finacess are starting to hurt.It's costing me about $60 in gas to run back and forth and $70 extra in food in a week.So I suggested Meals on wheels.He refused that to.It's a hot home cooked meal each night delivered free.Their is a visiting nurse lined up to begin wednesday I'm hoping this goes well and to get a slight break.I'm really not trying to complain just releasing some frustration with things.I'm getting ready to go see him now and feel I need to put my foot down on a few things.I love him but I'm exhausted.Then the guilt sets in and I feel like I have to do it all just in case I don't have him long.I'm sure the ones who have been through this understand...Anyhow I'm sorry I haven't been the best blogger lately and promise I'll be back to fun stuff soon..More fall decorating and have some beeswax creations to list when I get some time...
Thanks girls for helping me through this. Warm Blessings!~Amy
Just wanted to stop in with a quick hello.Hopefully things will settle down soon and I'll have more time to visit and share..Dad was released friday from the hospitol he did not seem ready to me.I know alot of you said I shouldn't worry about the confusion and such but he is still acting very strangely. it's been 14 days since they removed the tumor and he has been off the morphine since thursday.I'm starting to wonder if he has dementia starting.He is also being very demanding and being slightly childish which I am not used too.By all means I'm willing to do what is needed to help him but I'm getting worn out,and the mental toll is not good either I don't know if he is playing this up or if it's something that needs addressed.When I talked to the hospitol staff about his going in circles and confusion they acted like they didn't see it.He also expects me to do everything for him which granted I don't mind but he's been offered help from others as well.Like the visiting Angels want to clean his house he has two friends living in his house.He won't let them come why should I clean up after 3 men when they are perfectly capible and the angels will do it for free to help dad.Plus I'm unable to do my work so my finacess are starting to hurt.It's costing me about $60 in gas to run back and forth and $70 extra in food in a week.So I suggested Meals on wheels.He refused that to.It's a hot home cooked meal each night delivered free.Their is a visiting nurse lined up to begin wednesday I'm hoping this goes well and to get a slight break.I'm really not trying to complain just releasing some frustration with things.I'm getting ready to go see him now and feel I need to put my foot down on a few things.I love him but I'm exhausted.Then the guilt sets in and I feel like I have to do it all just in case I don't have him long.I'm sure the ones who have been through this understand...Anyhow I'm sorry I haven't been the best blogger lately and promise I'll be back to fun stuff soon..More fall decorating and have some beeswax creations to list when I get some time...
Thanks girls for helping me through this. Warm Blessings!~Amy
24 comments:
Sending Prayers to you and your Dad.
Carmen and the Primcats
The same thing happened when my grandmother had surgery years ago. She was always a sweet, darling woman and after having surgery she became cranky, demanding and would only let my uncle do things for her. I questioned this behavior which started in the hospital and was told not to worry. One day her own doctor was not there and I spoke to another doctor who looked at her chart and said she had suffered a mild stroke during surgery. She did get back to herself but it took months. I would go ahead and book all of the help your dad needs and just be there when they come to clean and see what he does. As for the meals if you can get the meals on wheels go for it. Perhaps his friends that live with him will talk to him for you. Be firm. My father-in-law was very miserable after his heart surgery and was still sneaking cigarettes which he could only buy when my mother-in-law drove him to the store. When I told her she should stop she said that he was a grown man and she could not treat him like a child. Well I am sorry but if you act like a child you should be treated like one. I am sure your father adores you just as much but perhaps there is something medically wrong. Good luck and I hope it works out, do not exhaust yourself physically or financially over this.
Oh Amy, I am so sorry you are going thru this. But Honey you are not alone. We went thru something so similar when Mother was put in the nursing home. They are smart old geezers and know just how to work us. So take the upper hand, and I agree with Wickedfaerie, get all the help for him you can whether he approves or not. It won't take long and you will be sick yourself trying to be super daughter. I am sure your Dad is use to being a strong and healthy man and all this is new to him as well and he is having problems dealing with it. I will be sending prayers your way. Hoping the best for you both.
Angela
I agree with the others, Amy. Where there is help available, you should use it, both for your dad's sake and for your's. I'm sure he will come around in time..... It's hard to admit that you can't do things that once came easily. It will be a hard adjustment for him.......
Prayers for you both. Your dad is lucky to have such a caring daughter.... Best wishes.
Amy, I'm sorry to hear you are down. I think you should get all the help you can get and let your Dad know you Love him very much, but you can't do it alone. You must think about yourself first. You won't do him any good if you get sick.
I'll be praying and thinking about you.
Prim Blessings
Robin
Hi Amy, still praying for you and your dad. I have not been through this with a loved one, but I agree with the other comments. I think it's wise to get whatever help you can... and let your dad know you can't do it all by yourself. He may not think he needs outsiders help, but YOU do. If the help doesn't work out, you can always have it stopped later.
You have to take care of yourself. Or you won't be able to take care of him.
I will keep you in prayer Amy. I know this is hard on you but you will get thru it. Trust your instincts and do what you think is best. You cannot run yourself into the ground or you will be of no help to your father or your own family.
Warm hugs and uplifting prayers,
AMY
Oh girl...my heart goes out to you! I haven't had to go through this situation yet so I can't say do this or do that but as the others have said, get that help so you can have some time for yourself. We all know that you love your dad and wants to do what's best for him. You are a wonderful daughter! My prayers and thoughts are with you and your dad! Big HUGS!!
Brenda
I'll add another resounding vote to arranging for all available assistance sweetie. For several reasons....
For certain you can not maintain (alone) the time, travel, physical, emotional and financial outfow. There's also the very real possibility that by the time you've exhauxted one or all of the aforementioned categories it will be far more difficult if not impossible for him to qualify or be certified for some or all the same services. Granted it varies state to state by diagnosis etc but generally the widest range of support service options are presented initially post op/arrival home.
Not only do available services decrease pressure for you dear heart but it's a wider ring of hands and eyes watching and considering your Dads behavior and progress over weeks/months - which could be helpful to you in evaluating his health and attitude.
*seeing if he act/reacts the same to and with others as he does to you.
Another step, if you don't see progress, is to request to have him see a specialist (neurologist perhaps?) to evaluate and investigate behavior changes...
It's so very difficult at this point to know what is anger on his part at facing this diagnois and the attendant treatments, at losing 'control' of his home, his lifestyle vs possible medical issues. Perhaps even depression?
Is it possible that could be the source of demanding behavior, difficult personality changes, even anger?
But I agree with all the lovely ladies before me that for certain you need to set goals, limits, expectations (for your Dad and yourself) NOW. It will only grow more difficult with time. And once patterns are laid down (in any situation, any relationship, with any age person 8 to 80) I believe it's harder to remove, step back from unsustainable expectations.
Far better I think it to be that you set your cards down face up with him now...
Not easy at all (hug)
He loves you, you love him. That does not mean he'll be able to have everything just as he wants it anymore than you can provide everything your heart wishes it could for him. Life is hard. Love overcomes the difficulties.
And at the end of every day, you have to care for ALL those who love and need you, including yourself.
It shouldn't (and doesn't) honesly matter who cooks, who cleans, who launders. What matters is that you make good choices for EVERYone involved and the good choices don't necessarily please everyone at the same time :-) (if at all lol)
You're in my thoughts - be strong.
Be brave. *And ignore guilt. Guilt is akin to anger, pepper and tobasco sauce ~ a bit is good. More than a smattering can quickly prove distateful and disasterous...
Sorry for such longwindedness!
Sending my prayers for you and your dad. Be strong, Believe in God, he will give you the best for both of you.
Sorry to hear you are going through this difficult time! I agree with the others, take all the help you can get! You need to take care of yourself. I know this takes a toll on a person physically, emotionally and mentally! My thoughts and Prayers are with you! Take Care!
Amy, dear, you need to take a break, for yourself and your dad. With you be exhausted, both physically and mentally, you could end up sick yourself which will do neither of you any good. Just explain to your dad that you both need to embrace the help when it is offered. He may not see this as a kind gesture but as charity and he may not want to seem like a charity case (he always seemed to be self-suffient before is illness). Just try and make him understand that people offer because they care. I know the toll it can take, I take care of my home, family and also do most everything for my 86 yr old MIL.
I'm sure if you tell him how you are feeling, he'll understand...
Hugs to you,
Traci
Amy, Honey, you know the answer. You know what is best. You have to make the decisions at this point. The explanation is simple.
He can't do these things.
You can't do everything for him and for your own home without help. He will get stronger down the road. You just need to let him know that you love him and what you do is because you love him. You have enough information about his situation to be able to make these decisions for him. I would accept every opportunity, every service. You can always change your mind later. You can't get some of these services later and Meals on Wheels only brings 1 meal. You can still fix some homemade to supplement. They do have Homemakers here in Iowa that come in to do laundry, clean up, run errands. You could use that help. And a Visiting nurse to supervise medications. You - you - need input from these people. They can tell you if his behavior is out of the norm.
Oh, and that guilt thing all too often gets replaced by resentment.
You are in no way responsible for your Dad's condition or situation. HE is. What you do should be from love, not guilt. I know you give freely and from the heart. I am sure he knows that too. They do get to expect a lot though. Encourage him to try to do things for himself, but not overdo.
This is a lengthy process. Take time for you. SCHEDULE it! Get someone who can sit with him for brief periods, like the nurse or homemaker, so you can take care of yourself and your own business. He will still love you, no matter what you do. Maybe these 'roommates' can help out a little....
Love ya, Amy. Praying for all concerned.
Warmest autumn blessings,
★Linda★
Amy~
sending my thoughts & prayers~ take a step back, let visiting nurses & meals on wheels help out~ you need a break~ don't feel quilty no need~ sometimes it is better if someone else steps in so we can re-group, get caught up~ and have a mental & emotional break~
In my book you are doing wonderful~ hugs to you~
smiles
Teresa
Hi, my dad took care of my mom for years, she was bedridden with MS, she died in April and dad got sick right after that, was in the hospital for 6 weeks, came back a different person, it took everything out of him, his personality changed, it was hard, but we did what we could for him, he didn't want help either, I got meals on wheels, nurse visits, etc. He didn't like it, but knew it had to be. He had congestive heart failure, and passed away 5 months after mom. I know it is hard, try to hang in there, get all the help you can, my dad's church was a blessing for all the help they gave. Take care, Cyndy
Oh sweet Amy - there isn't much I can add to the wise words of those who commented before me - but I can and will continue to add my prayers. I believe WSC and Linda Claus have given you particularly sound advice. Yes - foremost and most importantly, you need to take a stand and be firm in decisions that you know need to be made. Exhaustion turns to frustration, frustration to resentment, and you will not be the person you need to be for you or for your dad if that happens. And the only way to stop that from happening is to let others help you and him. Trust me - you will still have plenty on your plate and then some. I am also sorry to hear of the continuing behavioral issues. While I know that many drugs and even just the anesthesia can effect such changes for a considerable time after surgery, I have to admit that we had a similar thing happen with my mother after her knee surgery. She did improve, but there was something definitely "not the same" after that. She has now been diagnosed with early dementia or Alzheimer's - but, in my book, her issues in this regard were precipitated by that surgery. I pray this is not the case for your father - and he being yet so young certainly suggests it should be something from which he eventually rebounds - but as WSC indicates - all the better to have others involved in his care so that there is other observations and input. As I said, my prayers continue....Hugs ~ Robin
Amy,
My thoughts & prayers are with you. I agree with the others. Get whatever help is available for your Dad. Be strong and remember to take care of yourself. You have your own family to take care of.
Hugs, Ellie
Amy, sweetie, I don't think I can add much after so many wonderful & thoughtful comments. Sending thoughts & prayers your way.
Big hugs~Becky
Oh...Amy...it's so stressful taking care of a loved one. I helped take care of my Grandmother and there were days I'd be a crying mess... Not to mention I'd lay awake at night with worry. My Gran did what your father is doing....acting childish but believe me there was nothing wrong with her mind. I think they do it because they're angry and frustrated that they're bodies won't do what they want them to. They'll take it out on the one that's there helping because they know you love them and that you'll put up with it because of that love. Just hang in there...I'll be thinking of you. Big bear Hugs!!!
Praying things will get easier & better for both you & your dad.
Sending you lots of prayers!! I know it's hard to feel like you need to do everything, but it is ok to put your foot down and get the help. You are doing so much, so try not to let the guilt creep in. I just read an article about how women have a hard time saying no so we spred ourselves to thin and that is not good.
There is some great advice in the comments before me. :)
When you get the help with the cooking and cleaning that will free you to spend quality time with your dad, which is what you both really need.
Big hugs!!! Stacy
You are such a wonderful daughter. Your father is so lucky to have you!!! I will pray for you to have strength through all of this. And I will pray for your fathers total healing. Bunches of hugs, Lecia
Amy you vent off your frustation as much as you like, as the saying goes a problem shared is a problem halved and if you feel a little bit better simply by writing your thoughts down on your blog, then you do just that.
I do have to agree with Traci, sounds like you need a bit of a rest and to re-charge your batteries, I sure hope you get that chance very very soon.
Sending you huge hugs from across the pond, Karen
xx
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